Wax Mistakes

I, too, will start by posting something I'd previously composed. The following was my introduction to the Neilah, or closing, service of Yom Kippur this past year:

Believe it or not, after five years of leading the same service, you learn a thing or two. You should probably ask everyone to rise BEFORE you remove the Torah from the ark. The neilah service just barely crawls by because all anybody can think about is the food that’s waiting just outside. And most importantly, don’t hold a dripping candle over your prayer book.

Now, this last bit of wisdom may seem a bit silly – why would you hold a candle over a prayer book? Well, I can’t tell you why, but I can tell you who. And the answer is me, five years ago.

During my first time leading Yom Kippur services, I held the Havdallah candle over my prayer book…it dripped and left this wax mark at the bottom of my machzor. My wax mistake…burning hot initially, it cooled and hardened over time, and eventually was forgotten from year to year, but never has its stain left my page. Never, during this time of t’shuva, of turning inward, have I escaped its reality.

At the close of our closing service this evening, we will hold Havdalah, a ceremony that symbolically distinguishes the transition from chag to everyday, from Yom Kippur to the new year, from the holy to the mundane. And as we leave that holy space, as we turn our minds away from t’shuvah, from repentance, from fasting, and we return to the normalcy of our busy, hectic lives, we leave ourselves desensitized, unguarded, and open to hot wax dripping upon our lives. These marks may not stain your life for weeks or months to come. Or, for those of you who are like me, these marks may stain your life the second Havdalah is over. You might not even make it out the door before another wax stain drips onto the book of your life.

This year, for the first time, I realized I could just peel off the stain…that wax scabs are not permanent stains, that long after the damage is done they can be harmlessly thrown aside. But I do not want to remove this wax reminder from my prayer book. It is beautiful. There is a swirl of dark, murky colors standing out from the purity of the stock white page. There is a mistake in time now forever marked by this wax seal…a mistake made not during the holiest of holy days, but during Havdalah…during separation…during life.

There will inevitably come a time when darkness engulfs your life. And in that time, you will need to light a candle. And this candle will burn and it will melt, and during this process, it is all too likely that this candle will drip hot wax upon you. And this wax will burn at the touch. And then it will cool. And it will harden. And it will even peel off. And if, for some reason, you choose not to remove it, to let it linger, and then to forget about it, and to push it aside and bury it away…don't worry. It will be waiting for you next Yom Kippur.